Complete the indicated task to unlock the achievement.

Achievement	How to unlock
A Better John	Start taking responsibility for you actions.
Always Finishes First	Good at video games. Terrible at sex.
Appalling Appetite	You should see a doctor immediately.
Autopaedicatio	Penetrate yourself in Traditional Mode.
Bulking Gear	Use all the "supplements" you can for maximal gains.
Clumsy	Die a lot of times in your nightmares.
Couch Party	Have enough friends and enough controllers to play an 8 player game.
Early Bird	Swallow every worm.
Fire Inspector	Safely deploy all the fire extinguishers. For safety.
Fussy Lover	Save yourself for that special orgy.
Generous Lover	Finish last in a Party Mode game.
Go Left	Move to the left.
Go Right	Move to the right.
Magnetic Basshole	Win Lights Out in under five seconds.
Master Unlocker	Collect enough milk to fill the tank.
Meet Your Maker	Penetrate God.
Most Improved Tapulator	Learn how to literally just navigate the main menu.
My Precious	Get all of the rings in Lord of the Rings.
Paperwork	Submit your monthly physical report.
Popcorn Buffet	Eat a disgusting amount of popcorn.
Safety First	Everyone survives having sex in a trash-compactor full of needles.
Self Defence	Use the cake knife to defend yourself from wedding guests.
Sleep No More	Don't let sleeping dongs lie.
Spare Wheel	Be the only one locked out of an ouroborus.
Summer Job	Reminisce about your care-free days as a cactus picker.
Swan Tamer	Make peace with a gaggle of swans. Their natural instinct is to kill.
The Perfect Partner	Marry yourself in Abstinence.
Till Death Do Us	Have sex in the Date Night graveyard.