Complete the indicatad task to unlock the achievement.

Achievement	How to unlock
40 Year Old Virgin	Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode with a total play time of 1:30:00 or less. (Excludes cutscenes and loading times)
A-Rod Who?	Whacked a severed head 50 meters or more with the shovel.
Adderall4All	Completed Paradise Lost with a total play time of 1:45:00 or less. (Excludes cutscenes and loading times)
And THAT'S why you never get out of the tree	Killed all of the book protestors in the library.
Anger Management With Roger Clemens	Nailed a fleeing bystander with a tossed sledgehammer.
Anustart!	Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode with no kills.
Ape Rape	Escaped the Animal Control Center with all monkeys alive.
Better than POSTAL III	Rescued your loyal companion.
BioShocked	Spent $5,000 on vending machines.
Bitches Love Cake	Defeated your hateful ex-wife with delicious cake.
C U Next Tuesday	Survived Tuesday.
CAN YOU DIG IT?!	Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode using only the Shovel to kill. (Must kill at least 30 people)
Can't Touch This	Exploded 30 heads via sledgehammer to the face.
Cesar Millan is Gay	Mauled 30 people with your dog.
Chapelle's Show	Lured a police officer with a piss-soaked donut.
Chuck Norris'd!	Killed someone with a flying jump kick.
Darth Maul'd!	Sliced 30 people in half with the scythe.
Dick Message	Wasted no time with the Wise Wang.
Do you even Enzyte, bro?	Unzipped your pants and got 3 women to laugh at it.
Don't taze me, bro!	Zapped 20 innocent bystanders with the tazer while wearing the police officer's uniform.
Door Mat	Severed all of somebody's limbs without killing them.
Duck Dynasty	Used a Bass Sniffer Radar.
FAB-U-LOUS!	Wore all three outfits.
Fear and Loathing	Smoked over 10 "health" pipes and 10 tins of catnip in one play session.
Finkle IS Einhorn!	Gave a kickoff to a severed head.
Found 'em faster than GWB	Discovered the hidden Taliban base.
Friend of Dorothy	Successfully hid from the police at max wanted level.
Fur Sure!	Showed Vince and Mike J. what you thought of them.
GABAGOOOOOL!	Reunited with an old friend.
Gary vs. a Giant Penis	Discovered the Gary vs. Krotchy arena during the Apocalypse.
Ginger Mint	Killed Zack Ward.
GOOD MORNING VIETNAM!	Burned 5 people with the same can of napalm.
Gotta pay the Troll Toll	Found one of the hidden underground sewers.
Harder than r/gonewild	Completed Paradise Lost on POSTAL difficulty.
Hello, Newman	Kicked 30 dogs.
Here, Wilfred	Gained your first dog helper.
Hobo Sexual	Collected money for charity without stealing from Zack Ward.
Holocaust: Part Deux	Reunited with an old enemy.
Hutton Gibson Can't Deny This!	Killed over 1,000 people.
I Am Legend	Committed suicide... the Taliban way.
I don't know whether to kiss you or kill you	Put out someone that's on fire.
I don't need virgins for this	Suicide-bombed a Taliban member.
I should buy a boat	Read the newspaper every day.
I swear, I am NOT Marcellus Wallace	Killed 10 bystanders while wearing the gimp outfit.
I swear, I thought it was a home fill	Exploded a nuclear bomb.
It must be Thursday, I could never get the hang of Thursdays	Survived Thursday.
It's not cheating, because it's YOUR dog	Played "fetch" with your dog... using a severed human head.
It's OK, we got Greenlit anyway	Killed someone who refused to sign your petition.
It's sterile and I like the taste	Sucked down your own piss.
John Rambo'd!	Made a very long killing spree.
Lieberman is our Leader!	Killed all of the video game protestors at the RWS Office.
Michonne ain't got nothin' on me	Resurrected a zombie corpse for your own nefarious purposes.
My Name is Jesus	Completed Paradise Lost with no kills.
Ode to Eddings	Deactivated all of the Vend-A-Cure XJ-2 units.
Officer McLovin'	Asked a police officer to sign your petition.
OMG, NEW MODERN FAMILY TONIGHT!	Survived Wednesday.
OMG, WE'RE HAVING A FIRE...sale	Roasted 30 people with fire.
One time, at band camp...	Saved the marching band from explody death.
Paid the Piper	Successfully bribed your way out of an arrest.
Planet of the Apes: The Musical	Completed the game (any mode) on Hestonworld difficulty.
PooMasher	Bought the toilet paper instead of stealing it.
Pussy on a Pedestal	Slaughtered 10 dogs with a kitty-silenced shotgun.
R. Kelly's Protege	Pissed in someone's face until they puked from it.
RAFIBOMB!!!	Kicked 30 people in the balls.
Rain on your Wedding Day	Reunited with an old flame.
Rebecca Black's Nightmare	Totaled 30 cars.
Reddit would be proud	Hoarded 15 or more cats at a time.
Reddit's Famous Double Dong	Made 30 kills while dual-wielding.
Rich on Reddit	Sold 30 cats at the Cash 4 Cats vendors.
Rick Grimes 4 Life	Made 30 zombies lose their heads.
Running With Scissors	Ran 30 miles while holding the scissors.
Scientology Level: OT VIII	Completed the "A Week In Paradise" game mode on POSTAL difficulty.
Screw Bill Lumbergh!	Survived Saturday.
SCREW that game!	Found the hidden copy of POSTAL III and peed on it.
Señor Cornballer	Ate 30 donuts while wearing the police officer's uniform.
Sheriff Arpaio would be proud	Killed 30 or more people of each skin color.
Shiva Blast	"Lost" your sledgehammer to a cow.
Someone's got a case of the Mondays!	Survived Monday.
Taxidermy with Chuck Testa	Used a cat to "accessorize" your gun.
Thanks for the money!	Finished all seven days.
There's always money in the banana stand	Found the secret bank exit on Monday.
Uncle T-Bag	Escaped from the maximum-security jail cell.
Watchu' Talkin' 'Bout Muhammad	Reunited with a former child star and an infamous terrorist leader.
Well, aren't YOU a badass	Kicked open a door.
Where's Mr. McGibblets?	Gave Krotchy the bad touch.
Workin' for the Weekend	Survived Friday.
You are not alone	Observed an NPC going POSTAL!
You Snow Nothing John Blow	Peed on all of the snowmen in the Nuclear Winter zone.