| Achievement | How to unlock
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| - Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode with a total play time of 1:30:00 or less. (Excludes cutscenes and loading times)
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| - Whacked a severed head 50 meters or more with the shovel.
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| - Completed Paradise Lost with a total play time of 1:45:00 or less. (Excludes cutscenes and loading times)
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- And THAT'S why you never get out of the tree
| - Killed all of the book protestors in the library.
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- Anger Management With Roger Clemens
| - Nailed a fleeing bystander with a tossed sledgehammer.
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| - Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode with no kills.
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| - Escaped the Animal Control Center with all monkeys alive.
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| - Rescued your loyal companion.
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| - Spent $5,000 on vending machines.
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| - Defeated your hateful ex-wife with delicious cake.
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| - Completed the "POSTAL 2" game mode using only the Shovel to kill. (Must kill at least 30 people)
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| - Exploded 30 heads via sledgehammer to the face.
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| - Mauled 30 people with your dog.
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| - Lured a police officer with a piss-soaked donut.
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| - Killed someone with a flying jump kick.
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| - Sliced 30 people in half with the scythe.
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| - Wasted no time with the Wise Wang.
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| - Unzipped your pants and got 3 women to laugh at it.
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| - Zapped 20 innocent bystanders with the tazer while wearing the police officer's uniform.
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| - Severed all of somebody's limbs without killing them.
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| - Used a Bass Sniffer Radar.
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| - Smoked over 10 "health" pipes and 10 tins of catnip in one play session.
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| - Gave a kickoff to a severed head.
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- Found 'em faster than GWB
| - Discovered the hidden Taliban base.
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| - Successfully hid from the police at max wanted level.
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| - Showed Vince and Mike J. what you thought of them.
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| - Reunited with an old friend.
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| - Discovered the Gary vs. Krotchy arena during the Apocalypse.
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| - Burned 5 people with the same can of napalm.
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| - Found one of the hidden underground sewers.
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| - Completed Paradise Lost on POSTAL difficulty.
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| - Gained your first dog helper.
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| - Collected money for charity without stealing from Zack Ward.
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| - Reunited with an old enemy.
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- Hutton Gibson Can't Deny This!
| - Killed over 1,000 people.
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| - Committed suicide... the Taliban way.
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- I don't know whether to kiss you or kill you
| - Put out someone that's on fire.
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- I don't need virgins for this
| - Suicide-bombed a Taliban member.
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| - Read the newspaper every day.
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- I swear, I am NOT Marcellus Wallace
| - Killed 10 bystanders while wearing the gimp outfit.
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- I swear, I thought it was a home fill
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- It must be Thursday, I could never get the hang of Thursdays
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- It's not cheating, because it's YOUR dog
| - Played "fetch" with your dog... using a severed human head.
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- It's OK, we got Greenlit anyway
| - Killed someone who refused to sign your petition.
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- It's sterile and I like the taste
| - Sucked down your own piss.
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| - Made a very long killing spree.
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| - Killed all of the video game protestors at the RWS Office.
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- Michonne ain't got nothin' on me
| - Resurrected a zombie corpse for your own nefarious purposes.
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| - Completed Paradise Lost with no kills.
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| - Deactivated all of the Vend-A-Cure XJ-2 units.
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| - Asked a police officer to sign your petition.
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- OMG, NEW MODERN FAMILY TONIGHT!
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- OMG, WE'RE HAVING A FIRE...sale
| - Roasted 30 people with fire.
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- One time, at band camp...
| - Saved the marching band from explody death.
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| - Successfully bribed your way out of an arrest.
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- Planet of the Apes: The Musical
| - Completed the game (any mode) on Hestonworld difficulty.
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| - Bought the toilet paper instead of stealing it.
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| - Slaughtered 10 dogs with a kitty-silenced shotgun.
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| - Pissed in someone's face until they puked from it.
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| - Kicked 30 people in the balls.
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| - Reunited with an old flame.
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- Rebecca Black's Nightmare
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| - Hoarded 15 or more cats at a time.
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- Reddit's Famous Double Dong
| - Made 30 kills while dual-wielding.
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| - Sold 30 cats at the Cash 4 Cats vendors.
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| - Made 30 zombies lose their heads.
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| - Ran 30 miles while holding the scissors.
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- Scientology Level: OT VIII
| - Completed the "A Week In Paradise" game mode on POSTAL difficulty.
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| - Found the hidden copy of POSTAL III and peed on it.
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| - Ate 30 donuts while wearing the police officer's uniform.
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- Sheriff Arpaio would be proud
| - Killed 30 or more people of each skin color.
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| - "Lost" your sledgehammer to a cow.
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- Someone's got a case of the Mondays!
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- Taxidermy with Chuck Testa
| - Used a cat to "accessorize" your gun.
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- There's always money in the banana stand
| - Found the secret bank exit on Monday.
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| - Escaped from the maximum-security jail cell.
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- Watchu' Talkin' 'Bout Muhammad
| - Reunited with a former child star and an infamous terrorist leader.
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- Well, aren't YOU a badass
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| - Gave Krotchy the bad touch.
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| - Observed an NPC going POSTAL!
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- You Snow Nothing John Blow
| - Peed on all of the snowmen in the Nuclear Winter zone.
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Cheat Codes...